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November 03 我的星座报告，熟悉我的朋友看看准不准。
Sun in Sagittarius, Moon in Gemini Your nature is quick and volatile. Often your inner fire burns out for lack of sufficient outlet and expression. Your astrological circumstances yield a highly nervous condition. Ever ready to discard the old and usher in the new, you become a novelty seeker and are prone to discontent. There is an element of roguishness in your life. The source of numerous problems lies in your irresolute nature; your feelings are somewhat superficial and diffuse. Your judgment and memory, however, are highly developed. You have a knack for self-expression and a gift for expressing others' feelings through imitation. The key to a more harmonious self lies in being regular and systematic in your daily activities. Ascendant in Libra, Venus in the Fourth House At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Libra was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Venus is located in the fourth house. This denotes a life in which the native adopts an attitude which is courteous, kind, and affectionate. People with Libra Ascendant are basically motivated by feeling and emotion rather than intellectuality. Your life will demonstrate your keenness of observation, and a tendency to effect comparisons largely of an aesthetic nature. You will not display too much energy in your actions and, therefore, there is a tendency toward following routine and the lines of the least resistance. You are a sympathetic person who seeks the approval of others and is also very adaptable. Your intuition is remarkable and you derive sensual gratification from engaging in social intercourse, by loving all social aspects of life. If you do not control this tendency to be so involved in human relationships, you may become too attached and over dependent. Some restlessness, changeability and lack of persistence is noted in your life. Your main feature is that of constantly favoring the fusing of two things or people together. Unfortunately, this involvement with harmonizing and adjusting people to one another, tends to make the native a little unrealistic and lacking in action. You will be, however, easy going and congenial, socially oriented and preoccupied with adornments, clothing, social conventions, standards, and aesthetics. In love, if you cause the relationship to be a serious one, you will find that the affair is the consequence of your own interest in flattering yourself rather than to satisfy any profound emotion. Professionally, you will be inclined to activities which require a high degree of culture and even artistic knowledge. Venus, the ruler of your life events, is found located in the fourth house. In connection with your own house, Venus tends to make it beautiful, kind, and with a tendency to very harmonious relationships between your parents and yourself. You are very preoccupied with the aesthetic condition of your private dwelling. What should you expect at the end of your life? Venus indicates a peaceful old age, surrounded by comfort, having successfully achieved all your hopes and desires. Sun in the Third House The Sun appears in the third house at the time of your birth. Your individuality as ruled by the Sun must pass several karmic tests of a mental character in order to return to its spiritual abode with a richer knowledge in this state of consciousness. Your mind strives for glory, social success, honors, power and magnanimous elevation by means of intellectual understanding. The path for the realization of fame, honor, nobility and advancement lies through study, communication and self-expression. Your views about life are optimistic, self-assured, kind and generous. The liabilities of your mind are a lack of interest in detail or occupations and matters that you regard as being below your dignity. Venus in the Fourth House Venus was found in the fourth house at the time of your birth. This is usually a very favorable and fruitful position that grants excellent family relationships within peaceful and beautiful environments. This position indicates many social affairs, feasts, parties, celebrations, and related activities. Near the end of your life you should experience financial gain and an overall economic improvement. A natural lover of country life and nature, you will find many opportunities to gratify these sentiments. Moon in the Ninth House The Moon was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. Your higher mind has the potential to expertly reflect the teachings of elevated knowledge that you may receive throughout your life. You will have an ability to quickly adjust to varying conditions. You are endowed with a clever and resourceful imagination, and a mind which is receptive to ideals, higher thoughts, and perhaps even metaphysical matters. Throughout life you are going to solve many critical situations by your ingenious and highly inventive mind which has an abundance of new and humane plans and ideas. Saturn in the Twelfth House Saturn was in the twelfth house at the time of birth. This planet may place many unpleasant and annoying obstacles in your life, and intensify the feelings you have about the limitations of your environment. Your professional honor affects your feelings very much and you are well satisfied when things go well. Destiny may have to teach you to tell the difference between fact and fantasy more clearly. Certain complexes nest in your subconscious and show up in your mind as hypersensitivity, wanting to be alone and to do things by yourself so no one will know how you feel. You need a bit of humor and self-confidence. Saturn Conjunct Ascendant Saturn conjunct the Ascendant indicates that you are conservative and self-disciplined. You tend to be shy about asserting yourself, so people may assume you are indifferent to them. Your lack of self-confidence will eventually be replaced by self-assurance as you learn through experience to understand yourself. You do not have the kind of aggressive drive that impresses people on first meeting, but you show reliability, and they learn to depend on you. You are efficient in mobilizing your resources and are sure to realize your goals, but you underestimate your abilities. Responsible to a fault, you will never let anyone down who depends on you. Learn to love yourself more, so you can feel you deserve the good things in life that you work for so diligently. You can be victimized by people who take advantage of your unwillingness to fight for your rights, but you never forget such incidents. November 02 郭德刚语录（再续）郭："说啊我们小区住着俩日本人，夫妇俩，个都挺高的。" 几年前的事了，那时刚实行刷卡，车到站，上来一个高挑的女子，她的IC卡可能是放在牛仔裤后 面的兜里，所以一上车就把屁股往刷卡机上一*，“滴“的一声后就进车箱了，这个女子后面跟着个老大娘，个不高，她就觉的奇怪，怎么只要屁股往那玩意上一*就能乘车了，所以她一上车就尽力掂起脚板， 使劲把屁股也往刷卡机上*，*了几次也没成功，这时，司机发话了，“大娘，你在干吗，抓紧投币上车啊”。大娘说：那个姑娘不是把屁股往这儿一*就能乘车了吗？呵呵，原来是这么回事，司机哭笑不得，只能跟他解释，人家姑娘用的是IC卡， 但大娘不懂虾米叫IC卡，她仍跟司机纠缠，“你这个小伙子也太不厚道了，人家漂亮姑娘跟你撅撅屁股你就让人家进了，我老太婆跟你撅了这么多次屁股，你反到不让我进，你到底什么意思？”，车箱里的人都笑了起来，司机被他弄的也下不了台，只能挥挥上让她进去. 某君乘公车常掉钱包，一天上车前，某君把厚厚的一叠纸折好放进信封，下车后发现信封被偷。第二天，某君刚上车不久，觉得腰间有一硬物，摸来一看，是昨天的那个信封，信封上写着：请不要开这样的玩笑，影响正常工作，谢谢！！ 郭德刚语录（续） 感谢上帝赐给我的卤煮。 这脑仁就松籽儿大的个儿，打开脑壳一看，就一碗卤煮。 西门大官人和金莲儿很真挚的爱情。 你要舍得死，我就舍得埋。 有困难要帮，没有困难制造困难也要帮。 姑娘一回头，拢了拢自己这四根儿头发。 这假牙别扔了，还有用，拴上根棍儿当痒痒挠使唤。 你你叫什么名字？啊！什么名字？你别说出来啊！你说出来就是骂街了！ 胳肢窝都孜然味的。 他的剑是冷的,他的刀也是冷的,他的心是冷的,他的血是冷的...这孙子冻上了! 刑警出现场。有一死尸，大卸八块。队长说：“谦儿，这你怎么看？““肯定是自杀！“ 圣人教导过我们：有主儿的干粮不能碰。 等离子电视，我也弄一个，找朋友给我攒一个。一面墙那么大！大电视，摩托罗拉牌儿的！...看着看着没人了,电视出声音:您所收看的电视不在服务区! 81年北京晚报,看新闻呐,四人帮被粉碎了. 我是一个二手的科学家！ “上联是’风吹水面层层浪’，下联是什么？““你死脑筋啊，不会复印一份贴那边。“ 评剧演员应该年轻化......这老太太画完妆跟奥特曼似的...... “布什总统见我就说：泥咋菜来捏,泥干啥去了，泥个龟孙……““布什说话怎么这味儿啊？““他请了个河南人家教，还以为学的是普通话。“ 喷了四斤香水，闻着跟偷吃羊屎似的。 走自己的路，想说谁说谁去吧。 逮着蛤蟆挤出脑白金来。 “我就是烟稍微勤一点。后来看电视有个健康节目，说抽烟有害健康容易猝死。吓坏了我了。一咬牙一跺脚，打这儿起...““戒烟了？““不看这节目了。“ 我是一科学家，我在中科院工作。我在中国科学院整天拿着我那个科学仪器，你几楼？5楼。上上下下很累很累的…… 找奥委会主席萨奇马去。 你带刀了吗？我捅死你！ 儿子:“爸爸!我饿!“爸爸:“又喊饿,你去年没吃饭吗 “ 一直到七十五岁的时候，遇到一个香港的下岗女工，俩人就结了婚了…… 听相声好啊，弘扬真善美--藿香正气。 车门一开，一道金光从车门里，噌--就出来了，张文顺张先生啊，浑身上下穿金挂银，金片子打的这身西装，白银的衬衣，镶钻的领带，从上到下，脚上这双皮鞋--人皮的阿！俩手戴满了戒指，七斤多一个啊，哎呀，这十二个大戒指--俩手六指儿…… ……家里就一床被子--跟口罩那么大。给孩子盖肚脐眼上了，盖上吧，宝贝儿，别闹肚子。丈母娘跟媳妇儿怎么办啊？哎呀，这不要了亲命了么？躺下吧啊，我出去给你们弄被子去……弄了两筐土进来，倒在身上，拿铁锹给弄圆了。翻身时候注意啊，别冻着……哎呀，这娘俩算安顿好了，谁埋我啊？那怎么办啊，我自个儿找了一枕头，一块儿砖头当枕头，门口有一破水缸，半拉破水缸，让我拽过来，当被子盖上了…… 想吃螃蟹，馒头上揭一盖儿下来。 我们两口子起来，拿绳子就把那贼捆上了，“说吧，小子，认打认罚吧。““您说吧，认打怎么说认罚怎么讲？““认打阿，认打把你炖了。““啊？那你炖了我吧。“呵！他跟我犟嘴！“你以为我不敢炖你，我们家要有锅我早把你炖了……“ 天底下就王八是真的,还叫甲鱼 我冲进公厕，对着镜子说：“郭德纲，你会成功的，祝你幸福。“一出门，结果看见打对面走出一个男的。 真的，有“相声大腕儿“说过：“我们宁可要不完善的新，也不要完善的旧“。这是糊涂，无知者无畏，由打情末到现在一百多年这么多老先生把中国语言里边儿能够构成包袱笑料的技巧都提炼出来摆在这儿了，你无论说什么笑话这里边儿能给你找出来，你用的是这个方法，你用的是这个方法，有现成儿的你不用，你非得抛开了，单凭你一个人你干的过一百多年这么多老前辈的智慧吗？你没有这么大的能耐，好比说厨师炒菜，你可以发明新的菜，但最起码你要知道什么叫炒勺，哪个叫漏勺。你拿个痰桶炒菜说是革新，那他娘的谁敢吃呀！？！？…… 眼睛长的跟丸子似的，耳朵跟饺子似的，鼻子跟蒜似的，头发跟粉丝似的，胡子跟海带似的，豆皮的嘴唇，蚕豆的牙…… 老西医了，这得多少年！ 爱看书啊，《金瓶梅》我打小就好好看，长大了我好做科学家。 讲相声演出出去了，到海南的一个部队里慰安去了…… 谁拦着我我是孙子！ 张文顺张先生最近身体也不好--非典艾滋癌……反正就这小三灾儿啊…… 撇着大嘴，得亏有俩耳朵挡着，不然能咧到后脑勺去。 小妞,给大爷笑一个,不笑,那大爷给你笑一个。 我和超人唯一的区别就是我把内裤穿里边了。 我的饭量你是知道的，而且我也不爱吃烤鸭，所以吃了四只我就吃不下去了，我就说：实在不能吃了，待会儿回家还要吃饭呢。 天堂这儿还有一牌子：天堂周围四百米严禁摆摊！ 上帝坐那正抽烟呢。 上帝说，必须好好招待，这么些年好容易有个说相声的上了天堂了。 一巴掌宽护心毛，还纹一条带鱼。 《金瓶梅》里唐僧取经那会儿…… 三十多岁没结婚，北京的媒婆界就轰动了！ 骑着脖子拉屎，拉干的我拨下去，拉稀的我擦干了，可是他，骑着脖子拉痢疾！ 说相声讲究说学逗唱，当你有口吃就不能说相声。，比如你报时，如果你有口吃就出现这样情况。现在播报北....北...北京...时..时....时间...七....七..七点，靠，我一看表都八点半了 影视圈多不容易，那些女演员为了上戏，都跟导演睡觉，我很恨这，女导演太少了，……我们男演员怎么办？有一个戏我看合适，女导演三十来岁，我今年21啊，老天爷可怜我啊，终于轮到我了。找导演去吧，噔噔噔一敲门，完了，这事儿成不了。 为什么啊？ 制片人在屋躺着呢。 （……关系人带他去找春晚的导演……） 我一看，假的！ 怎么假的啊？ 骗子！连大胡子都没有！没有大胡子！ 导演非得大胡子啊？ 中间人对我说：“别瞎说啊，大胡子给逮起来了” （春晚排练，郭是替补） 那天机会来了。 什么机会啊？ 四百人的相声，一开始打山涧上面，都往下蹦。有一个人的降落伞坏了。PA！万幸，给摔死了。我马上找导演去了，“我来吧，我来吧！”“你来晚了，把他推下去的那人已经替他了” 逗哏：回去好好过，一夫一妻制，啊！回去仨人好好过日子。 捧哏：啊？仨人？ 逗哏：对啊！一，夫，一，妻制，一个夫人，一个妻子。 捧哏：哦，这么个一夫一妻制啊 郭德刚语录床前明月光,疑是地上霜,举头望明月,我叫郭德纲。 |
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